i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
