Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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