mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
