Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
