My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I intend to get homeless drunk
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
