Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
