u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
