he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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