Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
