She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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