I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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