I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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