If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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