you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
