you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
