i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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