I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
