I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize