I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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