I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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