My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize