so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
