I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
