I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
