Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize