I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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