I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
