I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
