You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
