I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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