I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
