were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
