I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
