new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So many bounce houses so little time
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
