planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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