I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize