honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
