sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
