She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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