ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
