drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
