We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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