Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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