Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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