the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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