he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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