no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
