im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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