I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
