theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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