Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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