What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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