the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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