Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
