$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
