there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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