wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
