well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
