Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize