the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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