My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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