Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
