if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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