Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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