i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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