On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
