Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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